there is nothing that makes me feel stranger and more alienated from my peers than the subject of sex and love. i’ve received plenty of adoration, admiration, and all of the things that go with it: niceties and abuse alike. i hate to self loathe but i suppose this is what i come here for.
the other day she asked me had i ever cheated and i said 2/3. recently i also realized that i had never been in love. i’ve been in a few longish (for my age) relationships and realized that i had never felt genuine true love. i don’t know what that’s like. i don’t know what it’s like to care for someone in that way.
when i was 12 my mother said i was a sociopath and it stuck with me forever. i let it go for a bit, but somehow i’ve started to reconsider it. i feel empathy. i feel feelings. i care about people. i care deeply about my friends. i’ve never loved. the closest i’ve gotten is someone whom i never even got the chance with, someone who existed for such a brief moment in time, so as to make me consider that maybe, like many other things, she was a figment of my imagination. and that is just okay.
i do not think i will suddenly find love in a different place, but i do think my chances will be better. i think i will likely be alone for a while. i think i should just be by myself and that makes me want to kind of cease to exist some days.
she said she had never been in a relationship before and suddenly she wants to be serious. the other says she’s only here to talk to me. i’m just me.
i suppose we can’t ever really determine how others see us because we will always be ourselves but i must really be something. that’s all i’ll say about that.
i just feel insane or something all the time. i don’t really get horny for anyone these days. i really need to get out of here. i’ve started to feel like a machine, a machine girl. i work and work and clean and plan and study and do all the things i am supposed to do. i feel as though i have no real emotions sometimes. i think i repress everything really, it’s easier than feeling.
mostly i miss what i haven’t had. it sucks. it hurts. i feel nothing most days genuinely and i’m speaking in the realm of romance and love. i’d like to feel something or have something with someone.
i really am like a machine.
would just love for someone worth a shit to come along and fucking stay. someone who wasn’t a fucking head case. i hope she is okay. that is all.
i should make my intention clearer i think, with these new women. none of them are my type. i don’t wanna fuck any of them either. it’s not a libido issue either. it’s different. it’s some kind of yearning i’ve been doing these days. it’s fucking rough. make me want to off myself in true fashion. i won’t. i could use a good fucking cut again. maybe i will. fills a void. fills several. i have my vices.
no one understands how i fucking feel. i think that is the hardest part.
REBIRTH 
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