well, shit

i find myself at the loneliest place i’ve ever been in.

it’s different this time because i’m an adult. a real one. sort of.

i consider death and what it would be like or how it would feel. i find joy in small things. i don’t even feel depressed. maybe that’s a side effect of being 25.

i do all of my little tasks and i kind of like it. really though, i just want someone by my side again. but i refuse to settle.

everyone around me is so drenched in their own misery. i get it. i was like that for a very long time and it ate me alive and for the first time in my life, i don’t feel like that nor do i function like that. i refuse to go back. not to sound enlightened or anything because i am literally just faking it and making it, but i am making it enough.

it is all one delicate thread that almost unraveled. god i hope she is okay. it is very hard to lose a friend. i have never been in love with a lover, only friends. friend breakups are so much worse than romantic ones for me, likely because i have never been in love really.

next year hopefully i can move to a new city. i’ve been scared to start anything new forever it might be time. i could get a new job, quit the second one, get a newer cheaper car, and move to a new city. i’d like a change of scenery and a larger dating pool. i’d like to marry before i’m 35 or so. it’d be neat. i just want a person.

everything takes time and i just keep trying to remember that. it gets hard.

tomorrow i am starting again. i will suceed.

there are so many things i want to do.